We invite you to join us for online every first Thursday of the month morning Mindful Caregiving sangha.
Mindful Caregiving
These mindful caregiving sessions are open to all who identify as caregivers. The topics and discussions of this group will be rooted in mindfulness practice and will aim to support those in a parental role, caretaking for an elder, or experiencing another type of caregiving situation by creating a compassionate, reflective space to come together.
No prior experience with mindfulness is necessary—all are welcome. There are no restrictions to join. While there is no fee, we invite participants to offer dana (a practice of generosity) to help sustain the gathering.
Format: 7:00 am-7:25 am meditation period and 7:25-8:00 am dharma sharing.
For questions about the Mindful Caregivers group, please contact facilitator Jenny Medvene-Collins.
No previous mindfulness or meditation experience is necessary. No fees, donations are always welcome.
Monthly Topic
The In-Between Space
Reading:
“We are told about the pain of chasing after pleasure and the futility of running from pain. We hear also about the joy of awakening, of realizing our inconnectedness, of trusting the openness of our hearts and minds. But we aren’t told all that much about this state of being in-between, no longer able to get our old comfort from the outside but not yet dwelling in a continued sense of equanimity and warmth.
Anxiety, heartbreak, and tenderness mark the in-between state. It’s the kind of place we usually want to avoid. The challenge is to stay in the middle rather than buy into struggle and complaint. The challenge is to let it soften us rather than make us more rigid and afraid. Becoming intimate with the queasy feeling of being in the middle of nowhere only makes our hearts more tender. When we are brave enough to stay in the middle, compassion arises spontaneously. By not knowing, not hoping to know, and not acting like we know what’s happening, we begin to access our inner strength.” -Pema Chodron
Jenny Shares:
This past month, I’ve been reflecting on the world inside my own head and how that world shifts when it comes into contact with the outside environment, with the people I interact with in person, on the internet, and in the various spaces my body inhabits. I love Pema Chodron’s work and lately I’ve especially been relating to this idea of the in-between space, where we are often feeling a mix of anxiety, tenderness, and aching.
As I reread parts of her books, I’ve been focusing on the last part of the reading: “By not knowing, not hoping to know, and not acting like we know what’s happening, we begin to access our inner strength.” Usually, my mind automatically focuses on the first piece of that sentence because, especially since becoming a primary caregiver, I’ve done a lot of work on exactly that – feeling at peace with not knowing. When I begin my mindful breaths, I try to sit in a place of acceptance of that not knowing. When I can actually sit in that space without jumping elsewhere in my mind, I feel the ease that arises from not forcing myself to be anywhere else or feel anything differently than how I feel. The next part, however, the “not hoping to know, and not acting like we know what’s happening,” really caught my attention in the context of caregiving.
I feel more pulled toward both hoping to know and pretending to know in my caregiving worlds than I do when I’m focused on just my own life. For example, when I’m spending time with either side of my caregiving sandwich, I often act like I know what’s happening when, in fact, I have no idea nor do I know what will happen next. I can feel myself wanting to know what will happen or trying to make predictions about possible upcoming scenarios so that I can be prepared to help my loved ones. In the caregiving context, I have actually sometimes viewed this as a skill because acting like I know what’s happening (to the people I’m caregiving for) can provide comfort in unsettling situations. I’m often asked for certainty, or looked at with an expression that I interpret as wanting certainty, and in my desire to provide comfort, I feign that certainty. Though my intention is to give comfort, trying to step outside of what I truly know, causes me to leave the in-between place or the equilibrium I have established in my own mind, as well.
This leads me to wonder, is offering our loved ones reassurance in the form of “knowing” or predicting actually a gift or could it be taking away their agency to exist somewhere in that middle space and possibly finding acceptance there?
Though this wondering is partly dependent on each individual caregiving circumstance, the underlying question is more universal: how can we practice staying in the in-between space and tending to our own inner strength, while also giving our loved ones the comfort they may ask for or need from us?
I’d love to explore this reading with other caregivers and discuss the many interpretations, experiences, and questions that may arise from it.